My experience with abortion

I’ve never been sure if I wanted children or not, and I’d always been really careful to not get pregnant.  I was 28 when I found out I was pregnant and 2 months into a new marriage.  A lot of people in my position would’ve been over the moon, or even have planned on getting pregnant at this point, but when I saw the pregnancy test was positive I began to cry because this was the last thing that I wanted.  I immediately felt angry with myself and that I should’ve known better and that surely I couldn’t end this pregnancy because I was arguably old enough to know better. I also felt scared, I had never thought that I’d have to make this type of decision and I wasn’t sure what the “right” thing to do was.

Nevertheless I booked the appointment quite soon after finding out and got the earliest appointment available. In all honesty, I should’ve probably given myself a bit more time to process my decision before booking the appointment but at the time I was 100 percent sure that’s what I wanted.  I should also probably mention that my partner was supportive with my choice, there was a lot of confusion surrounding that support, but that’s another story.

The experience in the clinic was detached and a bit cold as you have to go it completely alone and the emotion is fully removed.  I understand why this is the case, but I can’t help but feel it would’ve been nice to have a familiar face with me along the way. After the procedure was done and I went to the waiting room to pick up my partner, I broke down in tears which really surprised me.  I had expected to feel relief, but what I felt was sadness.  Part of the sadness came from thinking that people were going to judge me, because of my age, because I was married and because on paper I was probably able to raise a child. The sadness and guilt was something that took me a few months for me to get over, however, the more I talked about it and realized people weren’t judging me the better I felt.  In hindsight the judgment I felt was probably only coming from myself and I should have known that my friends, who loved me, would’ve accepted me no matter what. I also know that there was no right way to be feeling and that I just had to accept and move through it (easier said than done). I hope that by sharing my experience, although difficult to fully explain in less than 600 words, can help a girl or women who is feeling the same way that I felt to know that there are people that understand and that you can be free to talk about it. And to know that today I can without any hesitation say it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made and I know that one day I will become a great mother when I am ready (if ever!).